Where in the world is John Henzell?

You’re not surprised to see a goat in the passenger seat

You think the uncut version of “Little House on the Prairie” is provocative

You expect the confirmation on your airline ticket to read “insha’allah”

You do not expect to eat dinner before 10:30pm

You need a sweater when it is 27degC out

Your ideal vacation is anywhere you can eat pork

Your idea of housework is leaving a list for the maid

You believe the speed limits are only advisory

You have no problem with tractors driving 40kmh on the highway

You think all police drive BMWs and Mercedes Benzes

You know whether or not you are within missile range of Iran

You use your hazard lights during rain or fog but use your fog-lights as a way of pimping your car, any time, any day

You fully expect to go to jail when a UAE national hits the back of your car at a stop sign

You know which end of a shawarma to unwrap first

You think that the further you inch into the middle of an intersection, the faster the light will turn green

You consider it normal for the same section of the road to be dug up three times by contractors in the space of a few weeks

You think it’s normal that the repair man shows up to repair something armed with a plastic bag containing only a hammer and coat hanger.

You give directions to somebody using only landmarks and not road names and at least one is a mosque of some description

You think it is absolutely normal to to see someone reversing in a roundabout.

You think it’s perfectly normal to see two men walking along holding hands but are shocked to see a woman and a man doing the same.

You always look both ways down a one way street.

You understand that the true definition of a nanosecond is the time interval between the light turning green and the guy behind you honking his horn

You tint your car’s windows 100% fully black and then need to switch on the internal lights because it’s simply too dark

You think you’ve cut it fine at a red light, only to look in your rear view mirror and see three other cars going through.

You start using the words ‘front-side’ and ‘back-side’ to describe the front and back of a building.

You get invited to a party in your friend’s back-side and don’t automatically burst out laughing.

You think its perfectly all right for guys to wear white dresses.

You drive out of the airport on your holiday at home and get annoyed because everyone is driving the same speed and staying in their lanes, like the signs say

You don’t blink an eye when you get passed by a car in the slow lane going so fast your car is buffeted by the slipstream.

You see an ambulance zooming down Sheikh Zayed Road with several cars tailing it across all the lanes to avoid the traffic.

You think a woman wearing a black abaya and full hijab has good-looking eyes.

You’re not surprised when the doctor gives you a 9pm appointment

You are surprised to go back home and find petrol costs more than drinkable water

You get used to using the cold tap to get hot water during the summer

You make left turns from the far right lane without a second thought

You go outside and dance every time it rains.

You find fully abaya-covered women driving at 120 kph, talking in their cell phones and trying to keep their toddler on the lap, is a perfectly normal sight.

You get in heated arguments about your favourite Sheikh, Emir or King

You think Pepsi begins with a “B”

You think it is perfectly normal that your neighbour has two Ferraris and a Hummer and never works

You did the calculations and you could have that Ferrari except your rent just got raised again

You think that a box of Kleenex belongs on every dinner table

You think water comes in bottles

You understand that when someone says “bukra, insha’allah” to you it really means “sometime during this calendar year…if you are lucky”

You get kidnapped by Yemeni Bedu for three days. By the time the Army surrounds their camp both you and the Bedu try to convince the Army that you are not a hostage they just offered you a bit of rice and lamb.

(And for me, I know I’ve been in the Middle East too long when I can correct the Arabic in the second last topic (shamelessly cribbed from the “you know when…” Facebook group) from Burka (the all-covering female dress, although it’s normally spelt burqa) to bukra (tomorrow)…

…but now I don’t need to, because Iraq came to me.

I thought it was just another of the foggy days we get in midwinter but the grittiness under the eyelids and the lower temperatures showed it was a sandstorm coming from Iraq.

The shamal is a regular wind that flows from Iraq down the Gulf, a little like the Sirocco in southern France, the Fohn in Switzerland, whatever they call those crazy-hot winds that come off the Mallee towards Melbourne and even the familiar Canterbury nor’wester in New Zealand.

Of course the locals drove as if it was perfect visibility!

You know you’ve been in the Muddle East too long when you actually believe your hazard lights make you immune from the laws of physics…

We headed out into the desert for a camel festival, because it meant there would be Emiratis living in the traditional Bedouin way for a couple of nights instead of in Abu Dhabi high rises. At first we found just a lonely Bengali camel shepherd (camlherd?) but then dusk silence was broken by a generator starting…

We eventually landed in Rashid bin Ali al Mansouri’s majlis, where we were welcomed with traditional Bedu hospitality. Rashid was in a good mood, having won both the main prizes so far for the most beautiful camels at the festival.

People from far and wide arrived, were greeted, entertained and fed.

Fed what, you ask? Let’s just say there’s an incentive for not losing the most beautiful camel competition… It tastes a lot like beef.

Our friends tutored us on how to eat Bedouin style, mushing the rice and meat into a ball first. They let on about the use of laban – a kind of thin yoghurt – as a bonding agent. The left hand never EVER goes near the dish.

The camel’s hump. Really. It was reserved for people of higher social standing than us interlopers but isn’t eaten.

The next day was thick fog but we found the judging area for the junior category of the most beautiful camel competition.

The judging panel. A brains trust of five Emiratis.

Sideline participation was actively encouraged. The idea is to yell your camel’s name when the judges are nearby so it stands upright and makes a better impression.

The judges convene….

… and a winner emerges, to rock star adulation. We must have jinxed the al Mansouri clan because their camels missed out on the top prize, but still made up three of the top 10.

Then it was on to the camel races. Everywhere else in the UAE, the jockeys are remote-controlled robots. Because this was organised by the Emirates Heritage Club, they allowed live jockeys to keep the Bedu ways alive. There were two races for those aged 60 to 70…

How to control a camel. The camel, it has to be said, does not look amused.

The old timers only had to race 500m and began with an old style rope barrier. Saeed bin Saeed al Amri, the rider nearest the camera, hailed from the days before oil, when the camel wasn’t just an atmospheric alternative to a Mercedes.

Saeed bin Saeed al Amri: “Half a kilometer is no big deal. We used to do 20km, but we were used to walking for many kilometers a day 8, 10, it was no sweat alt all. Now people use cars everywhere, even inside their own villas.”

And they’re off. Saeed didn’t finish and had to halt his race early. “The camel was too strong for me, I didn’t play (ride) for 25 years. I could go only 120 m, I was about to die, it was so fast, really tough.”

The winner (but not of that race – I’m not that fast…)

And if you can’t win, display your prowess at camelmanship.

Around two thirds of the entrants were aged under 20, which is good for fulfilling Emirati heritage but not so good for life expectancy. The youngest riders were aged 10.

At the start of the 3km circuit, there’s a proper mechanical barrier.

And to keep the camels in place before the start, there’s these guys.

This isn’t so bad… just standing around looking at camels…

Until when the barrier lifts – suddenly and with no warning, I might add – at which point it becomes a Darwinian race to get out of the way.

Ever wonder what the worst job in the world is? The camel handlers who have to run out of the way or get squashed by a rampaging camel get my vote.

This guy mustn’t have had his coffee this morning.

Sand kicked up by the handlers as they leap past me.

Another view, just before the start

And they’re off.

There’s a reason why the riders don’t have their legs down the side of the camels…

As the riders head off, a vast convoy of four wheel drives follow them on both sides of the track, honking their horns to encourage their camels.