1/ See world’s tallest building: TICK!
2/ Forfeit your place on Al Gore’s Christmas card list by renting a Hummer…. TICK!
3/ Eat gold at the Emirates Palace Hotel… TICK!
4/ See camels…. TICK!
5/ Visit Atlantis on The Palm to remind yourself that money and taste are not always aligned… TICK!
6/ Visit a skifield inside a mall while it’s 40degC outside… TICK!
7/ See how much mosque $1bn buys… TICK!
8/ Find a fort built from mud… TICK!
9/ Watch a display of falconry… TICK!
10/ Drink beer beside the canal at the Madinat Jumeirah as fully burqaed women walk past without batting an eye… TICK!
My sister and nephew were passing through Dubai for a couple of days on their way to Europe and the US, so they decided to pay a visit on their wayward and dissolute sibling/uncle John.
My sister, as the owner of a travel agency, wanted to see Atlantis on the Palm, the trademark “because we can” development which created a promontory into the Arabian Gulf.
The nephew, as a paid up member of the 16-year-old underwhelmed class, thought it would be the tackiest place on earth.
Who was right?
After seeing the seashell-themed decore and general excess on display, the weight of opinion was leaning in favour of the 16-year-old.
But there was a grudging teenage acceptance that the mega aquarium was pretty cool.
But based on this underside of a manta ray, the fish tank inhabitants seemed happy enough.
(Mantas are notorious for their poor taste, though)
A groper was a little shy in showing itself.
(We soon learnt to wish that all the gropers in the UAE were like that)
Sister and nephew had booked a hotel in Dubai Festival City, which had a killer view of the sunset through the late summer haze.
We didn’t realise it at the time but this was the last day of Ramadan.
As we sat at the windowsill watching the sun disappear into the haze that comes with no rain in five months, the clerics spotted the crescent moon in the sky.
Then when we wandered down to the neighbouring mall to eat, we thought it was just another iftar and Ramadan would resume for one last day tomorrow.
As someone who doesn’t own a car in the UAE and would have bought a compact anyway, it was inexplicably fun to hire a Hummer for a couple of days to do a roadie around the Emirates.
And I think it’s fair to say it got the vote of approval from our teenaged audience, seen here in the midst of the Al Ain oasis, even if it did come at the cost of being deleted from Al Gore’s speed-dial.
We drove up Jebel Hafeet, the emirate’s highest peak but with a road leading to just below the summit.
My Subaru was a crap car for road rage, since flooring the accelerator would create more noise but no discernible increase in speed.
But the Hummer’s V8 meant we were able to pass EVERYTHING on the way up the mountain.
We then walked up the last bit, although the labourers coming to sing and dance the night away for Eid outpowered us when I relied on my depleted Abu Dhabi fitness levels…
At dusk we headed to Al Ain Zoo for the falconry display as part of the birds of prey exhibit.
Always a crowd pleaser.
A young volunteer in the audience was not very enthusiastic about being a kestrel landing zone.
But he came around.
The kestrel then scratched his eyes out.
OK, not really.
This grown man cringed almost as much when he had this rather more fearsome raptor land on his arm, though.
The Egyptian vulture was a fan of omelettes.
It helped when they stopped giving it fake eggs, though.
You lookin’ at me?
The Al Ain Rotana proved to be a great place to watch people.
The egals — the black ropy things — made for a sculptural image.
Especially in numbers.
The camel market (when we eventually found it) the next morning invoked all the usual anthropomorphic emotions about the breed.
Want to see your camel? It’s very photogenic.
The groper — not this guy — made an appearance, despite me being about a metre away at the time.
The offender was a Pakistani labourer.
For all the polish of UAE society, some of its residents retain backwards views towards women.
We were running late and didn’t get to see the interior before the faithful began arriving for the midday prayers.
I’d forgotten how impressive the Grand Mosque is.
Then we went to Emirates Palace Hotel for coffee and gold-coated chocolates. Of course.
At the end of which we headed back to Dubai so they could fly out to Europe, having scored a 10/10 for the UAE experience.